Attention all “Finding Wood Booger” hunters! In a shocking turn of events, Congressman Morgan ‘Wood Booger’ Griffith was recently spotted and cornered after an extended stay in the George Washington Forest. Accused of hiding from his constituents, the infamous Congressman claimed he was engaged in some “high-level strategizing.” However, it quickly became clear that his so-called strategizing was simply a cover for what he was really doing: emerging from the woods to cash his Congressman’s payroll check!
As a rare occurrence unfolded, constituents from far Southwest Virginia gathered to confront their elusive Congressman in person. Questions and accusations began to fly, particularly regarding his recent vote to cut a staggering 2.4 billion dollars from hard-earned Medicaid benefits that directly affect his own constituents.
One brave Southwest Virginian, clearly frustrated, asked the question on everyone’s mind: “What are we supposed to do when our local nursing homes close up due to lack of funding?” With a deep breath, Wood Booger responded with a mix of bewilderment and bravado: “I don’t just hide in the woods walking around; I ponder things. I’ve been thinking that since these Medicaid cuts are going to cause job losses in the healthcare industry, we won’t need as many college graduates. So, given that, why don’t we turn UVA-Wise back into a ‘Poor Farm’? You know, back when America was great, we didn’t have benefits—just poor farms, like the one that used to be where the UVA-Wise College sits now. A place to stick these pesky old and poor folks!”
As jaws dropped and eyebrows raised, the crowd struggled to understand whether Wood Booger was joking or genuinely serious. Was this his idea of a solution? The absurdity of it all left constituents in disbelief, caught between laughter and outrage. Here was a Congressman who, instead of addressing the critical needs of his district, was proposing a throwback to a time long past—a time when the elderly were simply “stuck” in some forgotten corner of society.
In the end, Wood Booger Griffith may have come out of the woods, but it’s clear he’s still lost in a political wilderness of his own making. The people of Southwest Virginia deserve better than a Congressman hiding from accountability, and they deserve real solutions instead of outdated ideas that belong in a history book, not a modern legislative agenda we deserve. The hunt for Wood Booger may have ended, but the search for true representation continues.
Mountain Bee Satire