“The Golden Age of Foolishness: Trump Bucks, Tariff Taxes, and Appalachian Common Sense”**
Freshman GOP Rep. Brandon Gill is introducing the bill to put Trump’s picture on the $100 bill.
Well folks, here we are, sittin’ on the front porch of 2025, watchin’ the price of eggs climb higher than a billy goat on a strip job high wall, and what’s the GOP’s solution to our economic woes? Fix the cost of livin’? Cut our taxes? Bring back good jobs? Nope. They want to slap Donald J. Trump’s face on the $100 bill.
You heard that right. While Granny’s strugglin’ to pay for her heart medicine, Pawpaw’s rustin’ out his truck ‘cause a new one costs more than a double-wide, and a trip to Walmart feels like robbin’ yourself blind, Republicans are hard at work redesigning our money. Because clearly, that’s the top concern for struggling families right now.
Now, let’s think about this real hard. The “Golden Age Act of 2025” is what they’re callin’ it. You know what else has a Golden Age? Fairy tales. And that’s exactly what this nonsense is.
Let’s set the scene: Inflation’s sky-high thanks to Tariff Taxes that make every dang thing cost more, from bread to baby diapers. Folks in Southwest Virginia and every holler across America are out here just tryin’ to survive, and yet, the big-brained folks in Washington reckon the answer to our problems is to print Trump’s face on the bill we ain’t got enough of to begin with.
Now, let’s give ‘em some credit—Trump is the perfect mascot for the $100 bill. I mean, he’s the king of debt, bankrupting casinos like it’s a professional sport, dodging taxes like a possum dodgin’ headlights, and convincing folks to pay $500 for a signed Bible. That’s some next-level griftin’.
And let’s talk about Benjamin Franklin, the fella they wanna boot off the bill. Now, I ain’t a historian, but I do recall Ol’ Ben helpin’ found this country, inventin’ useful things like bifocals and the lightning rod, and preachin’ about hard work and self-reliance. Compare that to Trump, whose biggest contribution to America is makin’ steaks nobody bought and a university that swindled folks out of their money faster than a backwoods card shark.
And can we talk about the irony? The same folks yellin’ about “woke culture erasin’ history” now wanna erase Franklin and replace him with a man who once thought Revolutionary War soldiers took over the airports in 1776. If that ain’t peak GOP logic, I don’t know what is.
Meanwhile, down here in the real world, we got bigger fish to fry.
- Eggs cost more & more.
- Tariff Taxes on China, Mexico, and Canada are makin’ sure everything you buy at Walmart costs an arm, a leg, and possibly your firstborn.
- Auto prices are so high, folks are patchin’ up their trucks with duct tape and prayer.
- Medicaid cuts are likely closin’ independent pharmacies, and Ballad Health is still runnin’ the only hospital in town like it’s a medieval barber shop.
But nah, y’all—let’s focus on Trump Bucks.
If Republicans put half as much effort into helpin’ the workin’ class as they do culture wars, social issues and idol worship, maybe, just maybe, Southwest Virginia wouldn’t have to beg for jobs, better healthcare, and first responder pay raises while Northern Virginia gets a fat stack of car tax refunds. But I guess “Make America Affordable Again” doesn’t fit on a red hat.
So, next time you’re scroungin’ through your wallet tryin’ to stretch what little money you’ve got left, just remember—the GOP ain’t worried about your well-being. They’re too busy makin’ sure the money you don’t have has Trump’s mug on it and sending those Billionaires big tax breaks and putting more tariff taxes on you.
Welcome to the Golden Age of Stupidity.
—Mountain Bee Satire