Morgan ‘Woodbooger’ Griffith’s Guide to Economic Genius: Raising Drug Prices & Sending Seniors Back to Work!
Howdy folks, Morgan ‘Woodbooger’ Griffith here, your friendly neighborhood ombudsman—because let’s be real, writing bills ain’t exactly my thing. But I’ll tell ya what is my thing: cheering on the greatest economic policy triumph of the Trump administration—raising prescription drug prices! And boy, do I have the inside scoop on how this brilliant masterstroke came to be.
Now picture this: Big Don, RFK, Elon, and a table full of Big Pharma Billionaires sittin’ around on Air Force One, chowin’ down on Big Macs, discussin’ how to keep the profits flowin’ for their fine pharmaceutical friends.
Big Pharma leans in and says, “Don, we pumped a lot of cash into your campaign—how ya fixin’ to pay us back?”
Before Don can even put down his Diet Coke, Elon pipes up, “That’s easy! The Trumpster can just rescind that pesky executive order that lowered drug prices for seniors. Boom—billions in new profits, paid for by America’s grandparents!”
Trump rubs his little fingers together, “Brilliant! But how do we sell this to my supporters?”
That’s when RFK Jr., between detox sessions, jumps in: “Exercise is good for seniors! Higher drug prices will encourage them to get back to work! Manual labor will keep ‘em strong, like our ancestors who lived off raw liver and rainwater!”
Now let me tell y’all, this blew my Woodbooger mind! Raising drug prices and a back-to-work program all in one? That’s some high-level policy thinkin’ right there!
Meanwhile, over at the kids’ table, Little J.D. Vance is frantically wavin’ his hand like a third-grader who finally figured out long division.
“Oh! Oh! I know! We tell seniors to start babysitting! That way, they can solve the childcare crisis too! I campaigned on this!”
Now let me tell ya, this is next-level governance! Jack up drug prices? Check. Force seniors back into the workforce? Check. Solve the childcare crisis by turnin’ Nana into a full-time babysitter? Triple check!
Then Big Don leans back, wipes some special sauce off his tie, and declares: “This is a win-win! Just like I had someone write in my book The Art of the Deal! Seniors work, Big Pharma gets richer, and we get treated like royalty by the billionaires!”
And right then, folks, I saw my moment. Maybe ol’ Woodbooger Griffith finally gets a free trip to space! All I gotta do is keep cheerin’ on the Billionaire Boys’ Club, and who knows? Maybe they’ll let me plant a ‘TRUMP 2028’ flag on the moon.
So, next time y’all hear someone complain about sky-high prescription prices, just remind ‘em: it’s not a problem, it’s a JOBS PROGRAM! Now excuse me while I go draft a bill declaring billionaires essential workers—I hear Bezos is lookin’ for someone to shine his rocket.
—Mountain Bee Satire