“Billionaire Pharma Illuminati Score Big as Trump Rolls Back Prescription Price Caps”
Cue the trumpets and fireworks—the Billionaire Pharma Illuminati are popping champagne in their offshore tax havens. In a textbook play straight out of the Economic Control Theory (E-C-T) handbook, the GOP has once again mastered the art of distraction while pulling off a grand heist on the American people.
The headlines scream about presidential pardons, the rebranding of the Gulf of Mexico (rumored to be renamed the “Gulf of Trump”), and threats of tariffs that tax working Americans under the guise of patriotism. But beneath the noise, the real con is in full swing: rescind Executive Order 14087, the Biden-era cap on prescription drug prices.
Act 1: The Distraction Circus
Step right up to the greatest show in America, where the GOP sets the stage with a chaotic spectacle. Who pardoned who? Are we really deporting everyone named José? Will we annex Greenland next? Meanwhile, in the shadows, Donald Trump’s first big move as Economic Control Theory Puppet-in-Chief is quietly robbing millions of Americans at the pharmacy counter.
Act 2: Pharma Bros Strike Gold
With a flick of his pen, Trump has undone the work of Executive Order 14087, which had taken on Big Pharma’s price gouging and saved Americans billions on prescription drugs. The result? Insulin, life-saving medications, and everyday prescriptions are back to costing more than your monthly rent.
For Pharma’s billionaire elites, this is better than Christmas. Now they can slap sky-high prices on essential meds while the GOP convinces you the real problem is “woke corporations” or “illegal immigrants.” It’s E-C-T rule #1: keep the masses angry at each other while the elites laugh all the way to the bank.
Act 3: Trump’s Loyalty to the Billionaire Class
"Donald Trump is already following through on his dangerous plans to jack up drug prices to appease his billionaire backers,” said Democratic National Committee rapid response director Alex Floyd. And boy, is he ever. After all, those private jets don’t fuel themselves, and Pharma CEOs need every penny of your paycheck to keep their mansions in Aspen running.
Remember Trump’s 2016 promise to “stand up to Big Pharma?” Turns out that meant stand up for Big Pharma. Instead of fighting for struggling families, he’s rolling back protections to make sure his billionaire buddies can continue their price-gouging spree unchecked.
Act 4: The Press Plays Along
The media frenzy over Trump’s latest gimmicks—threatening to rename the Gulf of Mexico or deport everyone who’s ever eaten a taco—isn’t just a distraction. It’s part of the plan. While everyone’s debating these absurdities, no one’s paying attention to the real crisis: Americans choosing between life-saving medications and putting food on the table.
The Final Score
Big Pharma: 1.
American families: 0.
The Billionaire Pharma Illuminati are back in control, pocketing billions while Trump and the GOP cheer from the sidelines. Sure, they’ll claim it’s about “freedom” or “protecting innovation,” but we all know the truth: it’s about profits, power, and keeping the middle class firmly under their thumb.
The Punchline
Next time you’re at the pharmacy, watching your wallet shrink as drug prices soar, just remember: the real winners here are the billionaires Trump is so loyal to. They’re not hiding it anymore, folks. In classic E-C-T style, the grift is right in front of you, wrapped in a red, white, and blue bow—and you’re footing the bill. Bravo, Billionaire Illuminati. Bravo.
–Mountain Bee Satire