“Virginia’s Proposed New Drunk Driving Bill: Drinking & Driving Legal in Your Driveway, and Apparently in Walmart Parking Lots Too!”
RICHMOND, Va.—In a masterclass on legislative priorities, the Virginia Senate quietly passed SB 308, a bill spearheaded by Senator Richard Stuart, R-King George, allowing Virginians to legally drive drunk on private property. Because what’s a little alcohol-fueled joyriding when it’s in your own backyard—or, say, a Walmart parking lot?
Yes, you read that right: under this new law, a drunk driver with a .14 BAC could plow through a packed Walmart parking lot without facing DUI charges. As if navigating those lots wasn’t already dangerous enough with rogue shopping carts and distracted drivers—now we’re throwing legally drunk drivers into the mix. Let the chaos commence!
The Bill That Refused to Stay Dead
Originally killed by the Senate Courts of Justice Committee after opposition from the Virginia Association of Commonwealth’s Attorneys and advocacy groups, SB 308 rose from the legislative grave thanks to Senator Mark Peake, R-Lynchburg. Peake reversed his previous vote and resurrected the bill mid-meeting, proving that bad ideas never really die—they just get reworded.
The new version of the bill specifies that DUI laws won’t apply on private residential property or its curtilage (legal jargon for “your yard and driveway”). That’s great news for anyone looking to turn their front lawn into a post-happy hour go-kart track, but not so reassuring for those navigating the chaos of a private parking lot.
The Walmart Conundrum
Let’s talk about Walmart parking lots, shall we? Already a war zone of honking horns, near-misses, and loose shopping carts, they’ve now become legally sanctioned playgrounds for drunk drivers. Picture this: you’re returning to your car with your bags of groceries, only to dodge a weaving vehicle blasting “Sweet Home Alabama.” Thanks to SB 308, that driver is perfectly within their rights to test the limits of their liver and their steering wheel—because private property.
Freedom vs. Safety: A Fine Balance?
Senator Stuart insists this bill is about protecting personal freedoms. “Why shouldn’t someone enjoy a few drinks in their parked car without fear of a DUI?” he asks. But as advocacy leader Kurt Erickson pointed out, “Is a drunk driver in a Walmart parking lot any less dangerous than one on a road?” Spoiler alert: the answer is no.
Critics warn that this legislation sets a dangerous precedent, creating two classes of DUI laws: “illegal here but perfectly fine over there.” Opponents also worry that it sends a mixed message about the seriousness of drunk driving—because let’s face it, “drink responsibly” loses its punch when you can legally drive drunk as long as you stay on the right side of the property line.
The Bottom Line: Who Really Wins?
SB 308 is now poised to make Virginia a sanctuary state for drunk drivers—just stay off the public roads. Meanwhile, the rest of us are left wondering if this newfound “freedom” is worth the risk to kids playing in driveways or shoppers walking to their cars.
Walmart parking lots are already the stuff of nightmares. Adding legally drunk drivers into the mix? That’s a whole new level of “every man for himself.” So buckle up, Virginia. The Red Vested Governor and his GOP crew just made private property a lot more… interesting. Bravo, Senator Stuart. Bravo.
–Mountain Bee Satire