“Senator Marsha Blackburn: The Queen of ‘Vote No’, But Yes to the Photo-Op’ Royal Tour”
U.S. Senator Marsha Blackburn, R-Tenn., known far and wide as the reigning monarch of “Vote Against It and Show Up for the Ribbon Cutting,” recently unveiled her priorities for the upcoming Senate term. In classic Blackburn style, her agenda promises to be a potluck of populist slogans and policies that just so happen to preserve billionaire perks—because, after all, someone has to keep the campaign coffers overflowing.
Economic Wins (For Billionaires Like Her Buddies)
Blackburn proudly proclaimed her commitment to “strengthening the economy,” which in Blackburn-speak means strengthening the portfolios of folks who can write campaign checks the size of Elon Musk’s rocket budget. She’s all in for “immigration reform,” too—as long as the immigrants in question are tech moguls who come with IPOs and PAC donations in tow. If you’re a billionaire looking for tax breaks, welcome! If you’re a Dreamer, don’t forget to dream elsewhere.
The CLEAR Act: Deport First, PR Later
One of Blackburn’s crown jewels is the CLEAR Act, which essentially deputizes local law enforcement to apprehend, prosecute, and fast-track deportations of undocumented immigrants. And here’s the kicker: ICE has 48 hours to handle the process and reimburse local agencies for every penny spent. Because nothing says “efficient government spending” like promising rural police departments that the feds will totally Venmo them back.
Local sheriffs? Sure, they’d love extra funding—but most would probably prefer funding for pay raises and improved benefits and retirement over Blackburn’s fantasy that ICE is going to swing by with a reimbursement check and a thank-you card.
DOGE Act: Barking at Federal Workers
Not content with just acronyms that sound tough, Blackburn is also pushing the DOGE Act (yes, seriously), designed to “address out-of-control government spending” by freezing federal salaries and capping new hires for three years. Nothing says “government efficiency” like underpaid workers and understaffed offices! No word yet on whether Blackburn plans to freeze congressional raises, but judging by past votes, let’s just say she’s NOT tightening her own belt anytime soon.
Social Security (But Make It Barely There)
Blackburn has also taken up the mantle of Social Security reform—but before anyone gets excited, remember this is the same senator who once mused about “entitlement reform” like it’s a bad habit that needs to be nipped in the bud. She now supports removing the tax on Social Security… for some. Who qualifies? Hard to say—but probably not the folks who’ve had to delay retirement while billionaires cash in another round of stock buybacks.
Border Security: Talk Loud, Build a Wall of Sound
According to Blackburn, every single county in Tennessee is clamoring for stronger border security. Strangely, she didn’t mention how Tennessee isn’t exactly bracing for a tidal wave of migrants crossing from Kentucky. But fear not! Blackburn is ready to launch another talking-point missile about border-related drug trafficking, gangs, and crime—topics that sound great on cable news but seem oddly disconnected from Tennessee’s actual issues, like healthcare deserts and rural hospitals closing.
The Royal PR Campaign for Disaster Relief
In a rare pivot to actual helpful advice, Blackburn reminded hurricane victims to get their FEMA paperwork in by the deadline. Of course, it’s worth remembering that she’s not exactly known for robust federal disaster funding support. But when it’s time to pose with disaster victims for local news cameras, you can bet Blackburn will be there with a hard hat, a shovel, and a winning smile.
Confirmations and Photo-Ops
Finally, Blackburn will spend her Judiciary Committee time confirming Trump’s nominees, an event she describes with all the enthusiasm of someone narrating a reality TV episode: “They sit before the committee, we ask questions, we vote, and voilà—off to the Senate floor!” She skipped the part where some nominees might be about as qualified for their roles as Blackburn is for leading progressive change.
Same Old Story, New Ribbons
In true Blackburn fashion, her legislative priorities will likely follow the same script: vote against big federal spending bills, show up for the ribbon cuttings funded by them, and ensure that her billionaire backers stay blissfully untaxed.
—Mountain Bee Satire