“Virginia’s Affordable Housing Crisis: Red Vests, Rents, and the Billionaire Landlord Bailout”
The rent is too damn high, but don’t worry, Virginia’s Red-Vested Governor Glenn Youngkin and his GOP friends have it all under control—if, by control, you mean ensuring the billionaire landlords keep raking in record profits while working families are left scraping by. As forecasts predict Virginia will see the third-highest rent increases in the nation, lawmakers are debating solutions, but surprise, surprise: some are more interested in protecting their elite pals than fixing the problem.
Step Right Up: Affordable Housing Takes the Stage
In the halls of Richmond, Democrats have rolled out proposals aimed at tackling the affordable housing crisis. Senator Ghazala Hashmi and Senator Kannan Srinivasan pitched an idea to let nonprofits and religious groups use their land for affordable housing. Revolutionary, right? Apparently not to Governor Youngkin’s team, who are too busy warning us about the dangers of helping people.
Then there’s Senator Jeremy McPike’s bill, which aims to give localities the power to use tax incentives to encourage affordable housing developments. It’s a win for struggling families, but a loss for the “free market is sacred” crowd. After all, why let zoning ordinances help the public when they could be protecting landlords’ bottom lines instead?
The Governor’s Concern: Protecting Billionaire Profits
Governor Youngkin’s stance on affordable housing is simple: If it affects elite landlord profits, it’s a no-go. Last year, he vetoed McPike’s bill, labeling it “unnecessary.” Translation? “We already have laws that make it complicated for localities to address this crisis—why simplify things?”
Youngkin also opposes rent protection measures like Senator Jennifer Boysko’s proposal requiring landlords to give two months’ notice before hiking rents. Because, obviously, asking landlords to warn tenants before doubling their rent is a radical idea.
Accessory Dwelling Units: A Controversial Compromise
On the ADU front—those charming garage apartments and in-law suites that could ease housing shortages—Senator Saddam Salim proposed requiring local governments to create ordinances to approve them. Naturally, the GOP is concerned. What if we make it too easy for people to live affordably? Senator Bill Stanley’s countermeasure suggests a more laid-back approach: “Let’s just encourage it, but not require it. You know, like optional kindness.”
By-Right Zoning: A Nonstarter for the GOP
Meanwhile, Senator Schuyler VanValkenburg floated bold ideas like by-right zoning for multifamily housing in commercial areas and a 7.5% housing growth plan over five years. But GOP Senator Glenn Sturtevant wasn’t having it. “State overreach!” he cried, clutching his pearls at the thought of the state encouraging localities to solve a statewide problem.
VanValkenburg, however, had the audacity to point out that housing isn’t just a local problem—it’s a state problem. A problem that, if left unchecked, might just turn Virginia into the unaffordable housing capital of the East Coast.
The Punchline: It’s Not About Solutions, It’s About Profits
The real takeaway? The GOP’s approach to housing policy is less about solving the crisis and more about protecting their billionaire landlord buddies. Sure, rents are skyrocketing, but let’s not do anything rash—like actually helping renters or ensuring affordable housing is available.
Governor Youngkin and his allies aren’t wearing red vests because they’re working hard for Virginia families. They’re wearing them to signal their allegiance to the elite landlords who fund their campaigns. After all, who needs affordable housing when you can have a thriving market for overpriced luxury condos?
So, if you’re a renter in Virginia struggling to make ends meet, take heart: at least someone’s profits are soaring. Because in the GOP playbook, that’s the real American dream. Bravo, Governor. Bravo.
–Mountain Bee Satire